What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 07:17
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What did i know ?
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We all went to grammer schools
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
Is it common for girlfriends to have close male friends who are single and not related to them?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
How did you as a human being change while growing up?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were not on the streets..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
☆ what's the thing that made u fell in love with your bias?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
She married twice! .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So whats the point in blame.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
All the time i was locked up.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It was going to be , some day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Comes on , in middle age.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
I have no regrets .